Eaten up

So I started off my therapy session by saying I’d been doing so much better with my eating disorder I’d honestly spent the time getting here thinking I’d struggle to come up with things to talk about in the session.

Definitely not true, managed to talk for the full hour and have it seem like ten minutes.

Talked about how I was having doubts about leaving for home, but that I’d have doubts either way, and the more I talked it over the more I realised it is so the right decision. I can’t wait to meet people who don’t associate me with my eating disorder, to have conversations with people, and to eat with them without feeling like there’s an elephant in the room, to not have that pressure there. It’ll be nice to meet people who don’t assume I’m broken or troubled and don’t treat me as such. Can’t wait for this, and meeting new people has always been something I’d been afraid of, because I was always convinced I had nothing to offer anyone, that people would see me as being as worthless as I saw myself, now though I look at it as an opportunity to start over.

Also talked about the fact that I was starting to struggle with old eating disorder thoughts creeping back in, but my therapist pointed out that actually, that’s a rational reaction to stress; it’s how I dealt with stress and overwhelming feelings for so long it’s no surprise that they’re creeping back in now. The fact I’ve recognised them as being destructive this time though is an indication of how far I’ve come.

I’m still reluctant to take credit for any work that’s been done to push me towards recovery, but she reminded me that I have worked, really worked at this, that I didn’t just come out of my eating disorder passively and that maybe I need to reflect on that. I think when I get home I’m going to write down a list of reminders comparing myself to how I was a few months ago at the height of my eating disorder compared to now.

Now I’m at a point where I feel like I know myself better, that I know that my feelings are ok whatever they may be, that just because they’re not what I (or anyone else) thinks they’re [i]supposed[/i] to be doesn’t mean that it’s not ok to have them; that it’s actually ok to do something purely because it makes you happy, and doing that doesn’t mean you’re a terrible self centred person.

There were points in that session where I felt super happy about where I am now. To think I almost called to cancel because I’d convinced myself I was too tired and didn’t have anything to say.

Very sad actually that next week is going to be my last session with my therapist before I go home, I almost always leave feeling so much better about myself and that really is priceless, and absolutely something I’d never have thought was possible before I started treatment.

Music is a great healer, or it is for me.  Putting on my giant purple headphones, and really listening to music takes my mind off of my mental health.  This song came on the other day and the lyrics really rang true for me:

“I’ve been worrying, that we all live our lives in the confines of fear.

Oh I will become what I deserve.

I’ve been worrying, I’ve been worrying, I will become what I deserve.

I’m finding that now I have a little less guilt, shame and anxiety around food I find it hard to stop eating once I start. It’s almost like I restricted for so long my body and my subconscious cannot get enough.

I still prefer to eat in private - less judgement over whether I’m eating too much or too little.

I spent most if yesterday feeling exhausted to my core, like the type of tiredness I hadn’t felt in years, despite having a good night’s sleep and realised it’s probably because therapy took a lot out of me the night before. It was a pretty emotional session and I left with lots of feelings of rage and resentment and realised i didn’t know what to do with them, never having allowed myself to feel that way before. I guess the confusion just took a lot out of me…

Anyway, onwards and upwards with the baby steps to health and happiness.

… to be on a first name basis with the receptionist in my therapist’s office.

Saw this a few months ago and thought it was a really interesting comment on body image ideals in our culture.  Honestly, does size make any difference at all to beauty?

Without a doubt the originals look more beautiful to me, the new versions seems kind of scary and alien. Though that might be because I associate it with the worst of my eating disorders. 

Anyway, well worth a look. Make up your own minds.

100reasonstorecover:

“Remember, the eating disorder didn’t just appear. Your loved one didn’t start starving, bingeing, purging or eating compulsively on a whim. And he or she isn’t just doing it to be thin. These behaviors are a response to deeper emotional pain, depression, anxiety and other interpersonal experiences. Once you are able to empathize with these feelings, you have taken a major step toward connecting with your loved one and helping him or her to trust in something other than the eating disorder. If you can suspend prejudices and become a person that will not judge, shame, control or criticize, then you offer the opportunity to trust. This can ultimately set the stage for recovery so that food or body imageobsession will no longer be the only reliable “object” in his or her life. “

Even though National Eating Disorder Awareness Week is over, I really liked this article, and I thought some of you might like it, as well. Perhaps you can show it to family members. 

The author of this article, Judy Scheel, also wrote the book When Food is Family. It could be a book that your family could read and, through reading it, learn how to better support you through your struggles. 

Wanted to reblog this article. So very true, and I wish more people understood this. It’s not about wanting to look thin, that has so very little to do with how I ended up here.

Every. Single. Day.

Sometimes I wish it was as easy as just deciding…

(via sassy-gay-davestrider)

100reasonstorecover:

NEDA Week Day 5:

“Eat” - EmiLeigh 

This one is for anyone who struggles with food regardless of being diagnosed with an eating disorder. There are so many commercials, videos, magazines, etc, that tell you what you should and should not eat. They say cut out this food, or that food, and sometimes it’s even contradicting. It seems as though every day there is a new diet out there, telling you what to do. 

I’m here to tell you that this is all lies. I’m going to be real and let you know that all food is okay. There are no “good” or “bad” foods.  It’s not a matter of cutting out certain foods, it’s all about moderation. It’s about being balanced. It’s about intuitive eating - eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. It’s about listening to your body and respecting it. 

Amen.

100reasonstorecover:

Submitted by: calamityincolour